my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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