I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
