That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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