Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
