i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
