guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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