You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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