I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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