I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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