Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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