Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
