my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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