my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
as a side note pls kill me
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize