I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
