the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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