i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Randomize
