when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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