the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
