oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
