I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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