The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
