I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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