I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
