I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
