YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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