I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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