I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
