If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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