I swear she didn't look like that last week.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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