So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
