i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
