nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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