Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
