90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
