he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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