seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Randomize
