Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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