I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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