yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
