he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
