You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
