dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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