Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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