There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
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