god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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