What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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