He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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