Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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