haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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