so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
