I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
