I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize