Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
