honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
