You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
