The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
