Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
