Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
There r osticjed everywhere
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
