Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Randomize
