I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
