I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
